Expectations of A Catholic Husband

4 Aug

God holding your Marriage

I’ve been asked more than a few times what the building blocks of a successful marriage are. Recently a few readers have sent questions to me looking for advice in new marriages and prior to marriage on what their future wives will be expecting of them. Aside from some very candid discussions with your current or future spouse, there are some givens that she will expect and from which all the others are merely outgrowths.

I’ve put some real thought into this. That means both brain cells were parallel processing until they started releasing their magic blue smoke. You see, I’ve been married for over 20 years and in terms of expectations – well they seem to change if you focus on the minutiae. However, if you look at the bigger picture, the little things all fall into line, if you remember the big ones. There are a core group of things every woman expects from her husband whether she even realizes it or not.

One major disclaimer – I have no more insight into a womans mind than any other man. Women are like the trinity in that they are a mystery which cannot be understood by man and must simply be accepted. The disclaimer does however, provide me a good segway into expectation number one.

Acceptance – This one seems so obvious, but I hear neverending stories of women whose husbands/fiancee’s threaten a divorce over 5 lbs. or will only marry if she can fit into a certain size dress. Stop and pray before you act, speak, or think like this and here is why. Neither of you know what the future is going to bring, or where it will take you together. Just like with God, you must simply accept each other joyfully. In the long view – your wife is likely going to be like the weather in Louisiana. Don’t like it? Wait a bit, it will change. Your wife will change sizes, her personality will change, her interests will change, her health will change – the one thing that must never change is that you accept and love her for who she is each morning. It’s critically important to both of you that you do. If she was disfigured in a fire or accident would you love her any less? What if she was barren? Would you continue to love and keep her? Time ravages all physical things and she needs to know that regardless of what changes happen to each of you both physically and emotionally, as long as it remains compatible with sacramental marriage, that you will make  anew that decision every morning to accept and love her as she is. Always don your rose colored glasses and see the best in her and about her.

Commitment – Your wife rightfully will expect that that you are fully committed to a lifetime of joyful servitude of her and any children you are blessed with. Your commitment is to the covenant you made with God when you accepted the Sacrament of Marriage from your wife. It is expected that this commitment is unbreakable, treat her accordingly – never make mention of or threaten divorce and choose your words carefully. A man must lead a family and not subjugate them by force or fear. You must nurture your wifes commitment to you, but ensuring that she is always secure in your commitment to her and to your marriage. Never take this commitment lightly, treat your wife, always, as if her commitment must be earned  – through the commitment itself does not need to be earned, her respect and trust do. Know in advance that there will be moments in your marriage when God and commitment will carry you through, and that without commitment to your covenant before God your marriage is doomed to failure – harming both you and your spouse irreparably.

Togetherness – All the hurdles and caveats life throws at you are going to be relying on you facing the challenges together. Whatever comes it is expected that you will work as a team to solve each and every crisis. Regardless of whether that crisis is emotional, physical, financial, professional, sexual, faith based, or something else. She is counting on you to help her, and it will be important to her to also help you. Remember that whatever hurdles you face, you will face them best as a well coordinated team who can react quickly to change, anticipate the other’s moves, and most importantly acknowledge each others strengths and weakness and understand which roles each is best suited to for any given problem. This may mean adjusting roles temporarily or permanently to best face your current situation in life. Work as a team not just to achieve those things necessary to your marriage, but also necessary to each others hearts and souls. The joy of shared experience is just as powerful as the bonding forged between two who share and overcome adversity together. Rather than let adversity tear you apart, let it bind you more tightly together. Rather than allowing marriage to overshadow each of your personal dreams and goals, make it a vehicle for you both to share in achieving them.

Love – Another one that seems obvious, however it is quite critical that you understand what this one means. Love does not mean liking someone, nor is love a feeling – rather that feeling is a symptom of love but not love itself. Love is a choice we make, and we must renew that choice each day. Love endures hardship and pain, it weathers squalls and storms. You cannot love one whom you do not accept as they are.  Your wife must be your best friend, your lover, and your partner through life. You must love God above all things, and love your wife above yourself – not as yourself, but below God and above you. She cannot return to you that which is not given to be returned. While romantic love and erotic love will come and go like squalls, and even hurricanes, throughout your marriage – your true love for each other must be like the ocean, fathomless and unending.

Trust – No love and no marriage can survive without this. Trust has more aspects than verbal honesty. Your wife must know you are being emotionally honest with her at all times. She is not a mind reader or clairvoyant and for her to learn to read you accurately over time she must really understand what you really think and feel. While she too must do the same, you need to make sure she feels free to do so. This means listening without judging her when she opens her heart to you, and for her to understand you – she must do the same for you. This is the basis of intimacy, for without feeling able to truly open up to each other and embrace not just what is outside – but what is inside we can never be truly intimate. Her sense of safety and security depend on her knowing that no harm will come to her. She is entrusting this care to you, you must never betray this sacred duty or her ability to trust in you will be lost. This does not always mean you will succeed, nor that you must do it alone – but together as God intended. By both of you acting selflessly for the good of the other party you will only increase that trust, and either party acting selfishly will serve to decrease or eliminate it. This applies to threats to your marriage that are violent, physical, emotional, financial, and otherwise. In short, she must trust unconditionally that you would never harm her nor knowingly allow her to come to harm.

There are a bunch of other things, I grant you – but after much introspection I believe that these are at the core. If you can manage these the others are extensions of them and will naturally follow.

Yours in Christ,

Colin

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11 Responses to “Expectations of A Catholic Husband”

  1. FeistyIrishWench August 9, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

    It’s also incredibly helpful if the husband simply tidies up after his own messes, drips, slops, and drops. As children enter the picture, she’s just “give”d out before dinnertime even rolls around, and that one little thing like shedding clothes at the bedroom door and leaving them, just might be the last straw in a long day of straws that sends her over the edge. It shows consideration of her time, energy, talents, and resources, and it will aid in staying out of any proverbial or real doghouses.

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    • cc70458 August 9, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

      It goes without saying that a husband is a creature of service 🙂 as you so aptly point out, working together as a team to care for each other and the children’s needs is not optional 🙂 – so to all the other husbands out there – put your clothes in the hamper not on the floor! It’s the small kindnesses which make the biggest impressions and helping out shows that you care about and respect the effort it takes to keep a home while demonstrating how invested you are in your family!

      Colin

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      • FeistyIrishWench August 9, 2013 at 10:25 pm #

        and may lend itself to more physical affection 😉

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  2. Pat August 13, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    Hi Colin – I found you over here by way of Shaun over at “Praying for One Day” and checked out this story your wrote. It’s very good and I like your sensitive expression and consideration for the wife’s needs in the relationship not just the husbands.

    My husband and I will be celebrating our 47th anniversary this Dec and I can relate to all the points you list and perhaps a few more. I wrote a post in my blog about our love called “Young Love to Old Love” and can send you the link to it if you’re interested in reading it.

    One thing I remember in a Dr. Phil Show several years back when he interviewed a couple that had been married 60 years. He asked them, “What kept them together for so long?” The wife spoke up and said, “They never fell out of love at the same time.”.

    I’m happy to meet you, Colin, and wish you and your wife many more happy years together.

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    • cc70458 August 13, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

      Pat,

      Thank you so very much. I love the response about not falling out of love at the same time. I feel like I fall in love with my wife over and over again each day, and that is how we have made it almost 22 years. I’ve never fallen out of love, but accept that feelings will dip and swell in marriage, but are nothing more than waves on the ocean of sacramental marriage. There is always sacramental love and we take turns carry each other over the dips and swells in our emotional states – and sometimes God carries us both. Please do post the link, that way everyone can see it.

      Colin

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      • Pat August 13, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

        You’re truly welcome Colin and it’s good to hear how much in love you are with you wife. That’s a treasure.

        Thank you for the opportunity to share the link with you and your readers on my marriage and relationship going on almost 47 years — “Young Love to Old Love” at http://plaintalkandordinarywisdom.com/young-love-to-old-love/

        I hope you enjoy it and, yes, we are all travelling our paths to get to the same place, loving, learning and sometimes kicking and screaming along the way. It’s an adventure and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

        Like

  3. The Overlord Bear January 22, 2014 at 4:09 am #

    Thank you very much for referring me to this post, Colin! I think I should really bookmark this…

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Great Bloggers/Friends #10 – https://catholichusband.wordpress.com/ | Looking for reasoning to a complicated world - August 13, 2013

    […] Expectations of A Catholic Husband […]

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  2. Fellow Blogger – Colin from The Catholic Husband | It Goes On - January 24, 2014

    […] I’d like to let you know most everything you want to know about me is in my blog. I would hope that people take a moment to read through some of the historical posts and learn something that makes their marriage or relationship better. Men should especially read this one https://catholichusband.wordpress.com/2013/08/04/expectations-of-a-catholic-husband/ […]

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  3. 40 Days of Fidelity | The Catholic Husband - March 6, 2014

    […] control. You might find this challenge does wonders for your marriage. Check out my post on the Expectations of a Catholic Husband for a primer of the changes you might need to make in that regard. My article on NFP might also […]

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