Friends and Lovers

30 Dec

Who is your best friend. Think about this question for a second and visualize them, this is the person you tell all you innermost secrets to, the one you trust with your most embarrassing moments and dilemmas. They are the shoulder you cry on and the one who holds you up when you just can’t carry on anymore. Now is the person you are thinking of the one you are married to?

If your wife is not your best friend then you are missing out on a key aspect of marriage. God made woman because it was not good that man should be alone. Why did God not just make another man to be Adam’s companion?

Obviously, man was created with emotional needs that woman alone was specifically created to fill – and woman in being created for man, has needs only he can fill. It pains me to see so many people of both sexes who, though married, feel alone. This crisis in our society has led many to seek the companionship they innately require outside their marriage, constituting a dangerous situation for the marriage. Once one party turns to another for emotional or physical companionship, the consummation of that infidelity is imminent. Resulting in either the complete destruction of or irreparable damage to the marriage (it will never be the same again).

True intimacy requires that the couple be best friends, not mere acquaintances who are bound in temporary lust. It also requires that both physical and emotional needs are being met as circumstances permit. In a marriage, best friends share a physical bond as well as an emotional one. Like any relationship it requires continual maintenance, absolute trust, and absolute loyalty to maintain it.

If you wife is not your best friend, or if you are not hers, then you have your work cut out for you. This does not mean that she cannot or should not have friends of the same and even opposite sex. It does mean that you need to make sure that she is not put in a position of relying on those friends because you are unwilling or unavailable to her when she needs YOU. It also means that you both need to respect very firm boundaries regarding those relationships.

This is a place you must lead by example. As the husband the responsibility lies with you to be available, accessible, willing, and interested. The best way to make a best friend is to be one. If you cannot talk to her then how can you expect her to talk to you? If you cannot communicate, you cannot have real intimacy, and without real intimacy you cannot have a real marriage.

Some points to ponder:

1. Communicate. Your role here is to lead. Do not wait around for her to come to you. Go to her, and be a friend.

2. Respect Boundaries. Your wife is vowed to you and you to her. You disrespect her and your marital vows when you go outside your marriage for emotional support she should be providing and/or deny her the opportunity to provide that support. You also set a bad precedent if you do and by your example open the door for her to do the same.

3. Keep you Priorities Straight. Your wife should be the most important thing in your life. That said, make sure she knows it, and give her the tools and information she needs to support you. Make sure that you always do the same for her. Other friends, jobs, and hobbies will come and go over time, but your marriage should be the one constant you can count on.

4. No Secrets. They dissolve trust and erode intimacy. If you find yourself trying to conceal anything from your wife other than her Christmas present then you need to stop, drop everything, and talk to her. The sooner you fix it the less damage is done and the less damage you can do. Fixing it will also foster trust and let her know she can come to you in a similar situation before things get out of hand.

5. Share Everything. Shared thoughts, hopes, dreams, crisis, trials, triumphs, joys, and sorrows are the mortar that holds your foundation together. What good are your joys if you have nobody to share them with? Without support how much harder is it to deal with your sorrows?

Man is truly incomplete without woman. It is why she was created, and because she was created from part of man, she too is incomplete without him. Only by joining together in marriage do we reach our full potential in so many respects. A wife is so much more than a lover. She is a best friend. To forget that– even for a moment– is to deny yourselves a depth of joy and contentment which is otherwise readily attainable.

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3 Responses to “Friends and Lovers”

  1. Lori April 19, 2015 at 10:43 pm #

    Ouch! Almost 27 years of marriage and I can say we’re not best friends. He’s just not understanding of most things. So I’ve adjusted. I have dear, Catholic friends that I share with. Plus, I rely on God for a lot. I suppose a miracle could happen that would bring us closer emotionally.


    • Colin Corcoran April 20, 2015 at 12:05 am #

      Sorry to hear that. People are supposed to grow together in marriage (though it does not always happen – as it takes both people to make that happen), not have one person do all the adjusting. I admire that you have adjusted and kept your marital vow. You both will be in my prayers – with God all things are possible.



  2. Lori April 21, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

    At least we have plenty of Graces to call on through the Sacrament of Matrimony. 🙂
    My hope is that we both make it to heaven!

    Liked by 1 person

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