Tag Archives: sex

Initiating Intimacy is Important

4 Aug

Admonitions_Scroll_Scene_10

Here’s something you likely haven’t given much thought to. However, it is of just as much importance as the intimacy itself is to your marriage and the bond between spouses.

Everyone – Husbands and Wives alike, needs to feel loved, wanted, attractive, accepted. If the same party is always the one initiating Intimacy (anything and everything from verbal gestures and holding hands to the Marital Embrace qualifies here) then the initiating party begins to feel as though his or her feelings are not mutual. This can be devastating to our marriages in many ways.

When intimacy breaks down because one partners is not feeling that the intimacy is returned in kind then emotions like anger, resentment, disaffection, and distancing start to surface. Self Esteem is damaged severely, and the bond between the spouses is weakened and sometimes irreparably damaged.

The solutions are so simple, and yet so psychologically complicated. In short people must both realize that in marriage we are EQUAL partners. Both Spouses have EQUAL rights and responsibilities when it comes to maintaining the marital bonds and it is not possible for just one partner to do it alone. We must be honest and sincere in our actions when initiating intimacy – disingenuousness usually works longer on Husbands than it does on Wives — but the end result is the same. It destroys trust and the marriage. Both parties must overcome their fears and doubts and trust their Spouse with their heart, naked and exposed.

  • Take the time to initiate Intimacy (not necessarily the Marital Embrace) with your spouse. Since some spouses can be blind as moles or stubborn as mules you may have to stretch yourself to reach them, especially if you are the wife.
  • If you are the husband then you likely need to relearn subtlety – how to court your wife and make her feel loved and wanted as a person. Your wife is not ignorant of the endgame, but she should never feel your affection is based on, nor depends upon that endgame. It is through selfless acts of affection that you will build her trust that what you seek is her love and happiness and not a romp in the hay.
  • Wives – In addition to being stubborn, most husbands tend to be hypersensitive of rejection. Especially by you – and especially when they feel it is repeated. He can behave rightly toward you, but if you do not reciprocate his tenders of affection or turn them away he will feel rejected. Just as you would if he did the same to you.  Smiles, handholding, and appreciation of even the most inept attempts to be affectionate or romantic are very helpful in building his self esteem up and keeping his focus on you where it should be. You should also remember that it will take times for Husbands to learn the more subtle cues. They will miss them until they really know you. This means that being more forward and direct is often required, and from time to time doing so is very helpful in making them feel desirable, loved, and wanted as well.
  • Both of you must realize that the goal here is not to reward affection with the Marital Embrace. Do these things to instead create an environment where you BOTH desire to give that gift to each other, and environment where both of you take initiative and responsibility to keep the affection between you and strengthen your bond.

In short, you are creating an environment in your marriage where the Marital Embrace becomes a tender of both affection and desire for unity between both of you and more. It becomes for you both, the deepest way of expressing that affection; And when  driving biological imperatives are removed from the act by the increased increased frequency – it becomes something more beautiful and bonding that I can describe in mere words. This will build the epoxy that binds you to each other as one, and keeps your focus always on the other. Don’t let anything come between you, especially anger, pride, or selfishness. We all know where those feelings come from, as well as where they lead us.

Pax Christi,

Colin

 

My Wife’s Surprise Facebook Post

26 Apr

Before you get all excited – the surprise was not in the content of the post. The surprise was in the eloquence and simplicity of the presentation. While our society may not agree, they would have to experience it first to have any basis for comparison.

Here’s her post -

Marriage isn’t just another relationship. It isn’t just about making you happy or making sure you always get yours. It isn’t about finding the perfect person who has nary a fault to annoy you. There is no room for selfishness in marriage. It is a sacrament, a life long covenant of love and service to one another, and a vocation, just as is the priesthood. It is not meant to be broken when you are no longer getting what you want. It is all about giving selflessly, 100%, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It’s about lifting each other up, facing all life’s challenges as one, caring for one another, and loving despite our faults. Marriage is not about you. It is about committing yourself to another, and the ultimate goal is to love your spouse right into heaven.

In our materialistic society, where it seems everyone is concerned with the question, “what’s in it for me?” this kind of relationship seems impossible. But with Christ’s grace, it is not only possible, but a little glimpse of heaven on earth. It will require, though, that you make a total commitment to your spouse. Give everything! Yes, this makes us frighteningly vulnerable, and you must trust your spouse to do the same. Therefore, choose wisely, not based on hormones and fleeting emotions alone, and pray for one another that you may keep Christ before you and both remain steadfast in your commitment to Christ and each other.

I am bothered by how often I hear things like, “I’m not doing that for him. If he wants it, he can do it himself.” Marriage is about what we can do for *each other* not because we can’t live without the other, but because we choose to live with and for each other! Or worse still, I hear, “If I do that for her, what’s in it for me?” A stronger marriage and more love in your life! Yes, you have to be willing to sacrifice for each other! We don’t get to plan on having only the better and never the worse, only the richer and never the poorer, or only health and never sickness! If you aren’t willing to go all in for your spouse, whether there’s something in it for you or not, you aren’t ready for marriage. If you’re already married and finding keeping it together a struggle, time to change your perspective! First thing to banish? Keeping score! It’s not a sports event.

Pax Christi,

Colin

Husbands Love Your Wives…

7 Apr

ephesians

This seems to be a serious issue in marital relationships.  Lets be honest for  a moment. I have gotten dozens of emails over the last few months about this particular issue and a shocking number of personal inquiries, especially over the last few months on the subject of husbands denying wives intimacy. Not exactly what you might expect to hear – but the complaints against husbands are running 5 to 1 or so over complaints about wives withholding intimacy.

Lets put the locker room talk and jocular speech on hold. Let’s not pretend this isn’t happening, or that it is not embarrassing for the men involved. Both are true, and both are deeply hurting marriages. I will explain. Embarrassment over an inability to perform due to any variety of valid reasons, is the leading cause of the rejection of intimacy. The sad side effect is that it also is something men don’t want to discuss even with their wives or doctors. As was so aptly put in the movie Cool Hand Luke, “What we have here, is a failure to communicate”. Seriously,  secrets are bad for marriages. Anything which affects you is your wife’s business, especially when it affects her too.

She cannot nurture, comfort, or help you if she does not understand what is wrong or what is going on – nor can she help. In all fairness, there may be nothing more she can do than hold your hand – but let her at least do that. Do not dismiss her and ignore her ever. Such a course of action simply leaves her mind reeling with possibilities (none of them good) for why you are suddenly detaching yourself from marital intimacy. Marital Intimacy is not just sex! It is holding hands, displays of affection, cuddling, touching – not necessarily involving coitus. To deny your wife all these things because you are for some reason incapable on the action you consider the “Big One” is deadly sin in a selfish wrapper. Marital intimacy is not about you, or your groin. It’s about sharing and being close to each other, touching, caressing, and in general emotionally, physically, and spiritually bonding.

In short – you need to take care of your wife both physically and emotionally, intimacy is critical to marriage. Carefully explain the issue(s). Work through what you can. Work around what you cannot work through, and tackle the problem as partners like God intended. Your wife cannot support you if you do not tell her where to raise you up! Stop and think for just a moment how you would feel if she suddenly refused you for weeks on or months on end, gave you the silent treatment, and offered no real explanation? Now be honest with yourself, and tell me that you would intentionally inflict such hurt into your marriage as actions like that cause. If you do not already do it – I strongly urge you to consider prayer together. A strong marital bond requires physical, spiritual, and emotional intimacy. Husbands, even if it is just holding her hand and saying responses as your wife leads a rosary, or for the more adventurous – a recitation of the wedding night prayers from Tobit. Keep spirituality in your marital intimacy. Personally, I keep a crucifix up in the bedroom as a reminder never to act or not to act towards my wife in a manner that I would be ashamed for Christ to witness. Remember, God is always watching.

Wives – the reverse applies to you as well. Men tend to react very quickly and negatively to a sudden disconnect in emotional and physical intimacy. Communicate if accommodations for some issue are necessary – allow them to be part of the solution and not yet another problem.

Pax Christi,

Colin

Open Letter to Senators Vitter and Landrieu

7 Feb

Eucharistic Adoration

Senators David Vitter & Mary Landrieu,

I would like to draw your attention to this issue. It would seem that the values of the UN and our Constitution are in juxtaposition. The very foundation of our country is under attack by the new UN world government, which attacks our second amendments rights – compounded by an executive branch that signed the treaty knowing congress could never ratify it.

http://www.lifenews.com/2014/02/05/vatican-blasts-un-panel-demanding-it-change-its-position-against-abortion/

Feeling empowered by this, and using the Catholic Sexual Abuse scandal as a very flimsy and thin guise, they have set out to attempt to direct a religion to modify it’s beliefs to conform to their will. This is in blatant violation of our 1st Amendment rights. It is unthinkable for America or any other government to order a Church which had stood firmly on these foundations for over 2000 years that in order to comply with the new social order being forcibly mandated, they must Change Doctrine and Dogma (something the Church cannot do, even if they wanted to). All done in order to eliminate or reverse the church teachings on Abortion, Divorce and Remarriage, Fornication, Birth Control, Families, Homsexual Sex, and Homosexual Unions. I feel sickened that our government can participate in such a body with no respect for individual rights or freedoms to disagree and pursue a tried and true moral path. This same Institution which has told all the governmental entities before the UN, and it will tell all the ones after the UN, but right now it is telling the UN  – emphatically “NO!”

Make no mistake – it is tyranny when a governmental body starts dictating what doctrine a Church can hold.

I urge you in the strongest terms to take whatever measures are still open to you in our eroded democracy. To subvert the misguided executive power of the pen, the appointment, the executive order, the unratified treaty signing, and the phone – and to put an immediate stop to this by sponsoring a binding US Senate resolution supporting the right of the Catholic Church to maintain their religious and moral values, regardless of popular culture or pop-psychology. In addition, the resolution should condemn the UN body for attempting to impede the free practice of Catholicism – the worlds largest Christian Denomination.

Thank You and I will be praying for you,
Colin
http://catholichusband.wordpress.com

PS: Please share and tag your senators in this post! A Viral response will make it hard to ignore.

Love is Never Wrong? Not Exactly –

3 Feb

Love is Never Wrong“Love is never Wrong” – I keep seeing and hearing this slogan a lot, and it’s being used to justify morally a plethora of belief systems and deviant sexual practices which are immoral according to the Catholic Church. It’s simple, catchy, and even hard to argue about if you don’t think too much in the process. After all, who could stand against “Love” since Christ himself said it was the greatest commandment. However, what constitutes “Love”? When you understand that, then it is simple to love a person while rejecting their perversion of a core teaching of Christ himself. You see, the Greeks know all about “Love” – They even had 4 different words for it – each denoting a kind of “Love”. Jesus never used “Eros”, or intended it’s use, in His greatest commandment..

This brings me to my second point – “Love is always a CHOICE”. Humans have free will and control their actions. If  love were not a choice then Jesus’s admonishment to “Love one another as I have loved you” would have to be pure nonsense – yet it is the very verse which people like to quote the most. I have said this many times before and people still like to disagree on that point. Maybe this will put that disagreement to rest. When Jesus speaks of Loving, he speaks of Agape (Spiritual) Love – Not Eros (Erotic). This post will not even stop to take on the two other Greek words for “Love” Philia (Brotherly) and Storge (Offspring/Familial) – I can handle that in another blog.

So where did this catchy, but incorrect, slogan and de facto excuse for immoral behavior come from? You’ve likely seen it most commonly seen it used in banners, internet memes, and signs promoting gay marriage. However, it also makes appearances from time to time in support the following: Adultery, Pedophilia, Fornication, Bestiality, Divorce and Remarriage, etc… Before you accept this “Slogan” as a moral truth – ask yourself if you think it would be wrong for your wife of 20 years to run off abandoning you and the children to have sex with the milkman because she is in “Love”, a teacher to have sex with your underage daughter because they are in “Love”, if you were a farmer – is it ok to have a naked man with “Wellingtons” on to be out in the fields molesting your sheep? All because he is in “Love”.  Next the same line of thinking will be used to defend a rapist who couldn’t control himself because he was in “Love” with his victim, and since “Love is never wrong” how can we revile his actions or judge them?

You need to keep asking the same question when it comes to homosexual unions, polygamous unions, and  other perversions of the Sacrament of Matrimony. They too are morally wrong. If you allow this ridiculous justification to poison your mind, it opens a Pandora’s box of logical consequences that lead to “Love” being used to justify everything from immoral behaviour between consenting adults – all the way to the unspeakable horrors of pedophilia and rape.

Don’t be deceived – Love is a choice. Choices, by definition, can be wrong. Ergo “Love” is NOT always morally right. Deal with it – and stop pandering to that despicable slogan, while praying very hard for the deceived.

Yours in Christ,

Colin

Morally Speaking

29 Jan

pius-x

There comes a time in each of our lives when we must choose between being faithful to God, and being rejected or abandoned by those we once called friends. We must understand that we are not the ones making this decision – the people who would reject us for not jettisoning our faith to appease their conscience are walking away from us, we are not walking away from them. You see, it’s very hard for those enmeshed in darkness to tolerate the light of truth. Their dark lies are warm and comfortable, like a narcotic high – and just as seductively addictive. The bright light of truth is like a ray of sunshine in the eyes of a man recovering from a hangover. They will wince, and squirm, and even turn away. They will either to return to the bottle or sober up. When you shield that light by denying the example of Christ in confronting wrong then you deny Him. Think about it – every time you say the politically correct thing, rather than the faithful thing, you do nothing more than enable evil. People in darkness want it to feel normal, they want to feel approved of because they know in their hearts what they are doing is wrong. When you tell them what they are doing is not wrong, or that it is not your place to judge their actions (Not their person – Just the actions) then you are acting as an agent against God and helping them into perdition.

If your child was reaching for a hot stove would you not warn them away out of love, would you not comfort them if they failed to heed your warnings and got burned touching the side of a hot stovetop? One thing you would never do is tell them that it was OK to endanger themselves in that way. You would not be judging the child, only their actions. Just as this very basic principle applies to your family, in order to live your faith you need to practice it with those outside your family who you care about. Our priests, and especially our Bishops have this sacred responsibility in a most solemn manner for all humanity – as they must serve as an example of heroic virtue to others – Pope Francis has continually done this despite the media spin doctors attempts to paint him otherwise.

Mark 6:11
And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, leave that place and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.

The internet can be befuddling for many Christians, too many voices all throbbing together in a confusing cacophony. However, just like in life – any real friend will accept you or reject you as you are. If you have to pretend to be something you are not, or to put your faith in check to avoid offending them; Well it is time for you to realize that they are NOT your friend. They are your captor, and you have just betrayed God for nothing more than the approval of a person stuck in the same tar pit you are. The person whose approval you need to worry about is God. He is the only person who can get you out of your predicament. However, you must reach out to him and accept his hand – just as they must do. To know what to do, they need to see your example of escape. They do not need to watch you drown in sin with them so that they can think that it is normal or OK to be swallowed up by the inky black tar and lost forever.

Jesus did not instruct that we should be overly persistent in trying to bring them to the truth as evidence by the quote above which is repeated in Matthew 10:14 and Acts 13:51. That said, Jesus also gave us from his personal example that we were not to let wrongs go unchallenged. He did not tell the adulteress that it was her body to do with as she pleased, he did not tell the money changers he respected their choices, and he most certainly did not tell his followers to keep on in their immoral ways and do what thou wilt. He offered mercy to the repentant, remember what he told the adulteress – “Go forth and sin no more”. Yet we have done so in our society, in the misguided sense that we can coexist with those who violate God’s law without upsetting them by calling out sin. Our children have fallen away from the churches because they hear our words, but they do not see any real conviction in our actions. In fact they see the opposite – and instead of 30 pieces of silver, we sell out our faith for the approval of others. We invite unrepentant perpetrators of evil actions into our lives and act surprised when it is we who are corrupted by allowing ourselves to tell the lie that “it does not really matter” so many times we make others and ourselves believe it. We are always called to love the sinner, but also to rebuke the sin. This is one of the Church’s hardest teachings. Hold firm to Church Doctrine. Pray for guidance. Love and know that it may never be returned. Accept that you will be scored and rejected for doing so, but also know that you are following in His footsteps – and that means that you are surely on the right path.

St. Michael the Archangel, Pray for us all.

Sáncte Míchael Archángele,
defénde nos in proélio,
cóntra nequítiam et insídias diáboli ésto præsídium.
Ímperet ílli Déus,
súpplices deprecámur: tuque, prínceps milítiæ cæléstis,
Sátanam aliósque spíritus malígnos,
qui ad perditiónem animárum pervagántur in múndo,
divína virtúte, in inférnum detrúde.
Ámen. 

-Colin

A Catholic Wife Responds

27 Jan

My beloved wife came across this article on Facebook, and had no trouble expressing her feelings about it. I’m quoting her here straight from her facebook post with her permission. Like and share if you agree with her. In the meantime, I’ll be praying for the author of the article with her.

This article might be better entitled “Arrogant, Angry, Ultra Feminist Fool Goes Off Half Cocked in a Flurry of Presumption and Cluelessness.”

Indeed I do feel I am just as well off as “women who take care of themselves.” I left a successful career to stay home and raise my children because I believe it is the most important thing I could be doing with my time right now. There is no reason why I cannot resume my career later or even start an entirely new one when the time comes. I am more than capable of thinking, choosing, and taking care of myself, thank you. I simply don’t measure success by money, affluence, or influence alone. I can think of no greater contribution to make of my life than raising my children to be independent, well educated, responsible adults of good character. This is a woman filled with anger and bitterness, and I simply refuse to live my life that way. She has every right to make her own choices. She has no right to make mine.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/01/26/feminist-blogger-titles-post-i-look-down-on-young-women-with-husbands-and-kids-and-im-not-sorry/

- Debra & Colin

PS: If you’d like to hear more from my wife – leave a comment and let her know.

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